I HATE YOU

I hate you,

I am sorry but I really can help myself from hating you.

Hating you is the best thing I can do right now, you are the worst person I ever met, the worst among the worst, yeah you are. I wish I never met you and I regret I met you. You are the biggest mistake in my life. I HATE YOU, now and forever. If you don’t know why I hate you this much, well you should know what you did. If you too dumb to admit your mistake, defend it. I hate you, I don’t trust you. And I am fuck up. Sorry, but I don’t feel sorry for you. Yeah I hate you. I hate you and I wish I can say it out loud straight to your face, I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

I hate you, sincerely with all my heart.

LETs EM’ GO…

I am a person who learn from my past. I have this Post-Traumatic Disorder (penyakit yang aku reka sendiri) since I lost Her. Since then, I am lost, self-conscious aku hilang, and the result is I became who am I today, as you can see ( if you can see inside me lah)

Yeah... Its hurt but, you know sometime you just to let it go, let it go baby, don’t keep it to your heart.

Last February, Kak Utaq and Abang Firdaus asked me to take care of their cats which were Bom Bom, Bimbi and Milo. They are cute, very cute and I love them so much, of course I love Bimbi more. But you know what, no matter how much I love them especially Bimbi, Kak Utaq will come and take her back. So, I set my mind, my mental, I will let them go, I have to, if not I will grief. Oh yeah... last Sunday they took them back. I am sad, but I can’t cry, I have to be strong I have to let them go. I have to let my princess go (Bimbi). Love Bimbi.

I know, its hard to let someone go, I felt it before, to let my mom go is hard, it took almost 3/4 of my heart, to grow it back to normal is not easy. I’m in love with her and she was my big lost. Even if someone asked me about her, I will hide my tears in my heart. Come on, I can’t cry in front of people, I’m not weak, even if I’m shaking I will stand it.

Recently, I break up with Lukman, I let him go, and that is my choice, I choose to let him go. I am moving on, yes moving on. Yeah I am sad, sad too sad... But to let people see my sadist condition is not good too right. I am broken. Bak kata ayat-ayat novel cinta tu “Luka lama baru nak sembuh dah dapat luka baru”, Luka lama yang aku try nak rawat pon tak terawat sebab banyak sangat komplikas dia, baru nak sembuh tapi penawar tu racun rupanya.

Trying to erase my “BIG LOSS” then come other “BIG DISEASE”. I know I am not stable, but I am trying to stable myself. I laugh, I smile, I talk, and I even do something that I don’t want to do, pegang katak dan potong kepala dia misalnya (Ingat aku nak ke potong kepala katak tu??) then aku rela darah aku kena amek time praktium PK, dan sampai sekarang efek samping tu terasa, tangan aku belah kiri ni asyik kebas je, agak-agak saraf kat bagian tu tak sembuh lagi kot. Dan-dan aku rasa aku agak ada masalah kejiwaan sikit hari demi hari, aku rasa aku ada simptom-simptom Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (tiap-tiap hari aku akan sapu bilik aku tiap 10 menit sebab aku rasa bilik aku kotor), then Bulimia, aku akan rasa aku ni cam Panda or Queen Latifah after makan banyak-banyak, in order to compensate, aku akn workout tak ingat dunia. Seriously, buat masa sekarang ni tak menganggu hidup aku lagi, tapi aku takut aku tak boleh kontrol diri aku sendiri. Harap-harap aku boleh control.

Well... aku rasa semua ni sekejap je, insya-ALLAH aku normal sebab aku yakin ALLAH swt itu ada untuk menjaga dan menstabilkan hidup kita kalau kita berusaha kan. Maybe I am not 100% heal, but I am here, study, listen to people, happy with myself, family, friends and you (tak taw sape). Owh and you in my dream, it nice to know that you are not like what you look. Hahaha.

Let go and moving on... Please babe, I know its hard, but life is not in our hand. Its not a bicycle handle or car wheel, we can’t control it. The least you can do is pray for the best. Looking you like this make devastated.

SISTERS…

Aku ingat lagi, pertama kali kita berkenalan, Bangunan MARA, BTN Meru, KLIA. Sampai Jakarta, kita tujuh orang jadi housemates. Mula-mula agak awkward dengan korang semua. Biasalah baru lagi.

Masa berjalan, kadang-kadang laju, kadang-kadang perlahan, kadang-kadang rasa macam masa tak bergerak pon. Tup-tup dah 3 tahun kita berkawan, eh bukan setakat kawan je taw kita dah jadi lebih dari tu. Kita dah macam FAMILY. Seorang takde, rasa awkward je.

Kenal korang dan jadi rapat sampai kan perangai aku dengan korang dah blend, semua baik buruk aku korang terima dan semua yang baik buruk korang aku terima. Kalau terasa pon sekejap je, tak sampai sejam pun kita okay balik. Ermm aku taw, aku ni sengal, degil, word vomit, tapi korang layan je. Actually, I never be this crazy when I was high school or matrix student. Maybe because of the tough environment here, I have to be more crazy. Entahlah. Layankan aje.

Korang ni bermacam-macam variasi, ada yang macam ada kuasa psikik, tahu je apa yang orang lain tak tahu, ada yang gedik dan poyo-poyo, tapi yang penting korang original, bukan plastik or spastik youth. Ada yang melayan jer, pstu bila bengang mengamuk sendiri. Ada yang unpredictable, tiba-tiba je... eh tak sangka kau macam ni, pastu kita gelak ramai-ramai. Ada yang kalau dia bersuara bunyi macam jawa lah, macam orang kampung walaupun dia orang KL. Kita kalau duduk bertujuh, macam-macam cerita keluar, bergossip yang tah sape tak kenal pun, tapi bole je jadi bahan cerita. Well, girls biasalah kami suka gossip.

Korang banyak nasihat... Nasihat-nasihat korang banyak buat aku berfikir jauh, Banyak buat aku berfikir untuk masa hadapan. Aku tahu, lately aku ada mental breakdown dan aku pun tak sure aku boleh recover balik ke tak. Aku tak pasti, tapi yang penting bila dengan korang, at least aku lupa dekat masalah aku ni, walaupun benda tu datang balik, haunting my day, ermm bukan senang nak lupa kan.

One thing for sure, when I’m with you my girls, I don’t have to worry that I am single now. Pengalaman yang dulu, yang pedih tu banyak ajar aku erti sabar. Pengalaman tu cukup perit, sakit, tapi aku boleh senyum lagi sebab korang ada. Thanks sisters.

To my sisters, I love you all.

paperKELIP : She is not me... I have the full version of this poem. Full credit to my friend Nik Nasihah. I love her, the one who always give me spiritual advice.

NIGHTMARE

A last few days, I have this nightmare. I hate this kind of nightmare when you suddenly woke up from your sleep coz of the stupid silly dream.

This is a bad dream, a nightmare about someone I know from my daily life a student, and we often and WILL see and bump to each other. I am disturb by this nightmare, after this happening I am not seeing this person as he used to be, I can’t even face him. I hate him. I am sorry but I can’t help myself from hating this person.

Silly kan, you can just hate a person that you barely know just because of your nightmare. Owh yeah baby, he’s ain’t a bad person in my dream, don’t misunderstanding okay.

A dream is a dream. It just a trick played by SHaiton. But this dream, I just can’t accept it. Maybe I will forget about it when slowly.

By the way, when you asked me, can you forgive me Fatehah? I can’t... My heart is in pain. Nomu appa.

paperKELIP : Aku harap kan my sis of siete hermanas, you will find your happiness. I am happy for you dear.

KAIN BURUK LUNYAI

Assamualaikum...

Hari Rabu ni aku ada exam integrasi 1 dan lepas tu ada PBL 2, makalah dah siap, tunggu print je tapi slide presentation tak buat lagi.

Esok hari Selasa, esok ada kelas Farmakologi pepagi lagi, masa kedua ada kelas Patologi Anatomi (kelas ganti yag aritu batal), masa ke-3, tahan taksi pastu off to Rumah Sakit Husada untuk kelasa anastesi.

Nampak normal kan, tapi bila kita yang akan mengalami benda ni dan membayangkan betapa penatnya kelas dari pagi sampai petang hari before exam, hari exam ada PBL 2 lagi.

Sebab aku fikir dah jadi doctor nanti hidup lagi susah, apa kata aku enjoy this moment penat-penat nak mati as a med student, sebab dah memang aku yang choose nak jadi doctor dan takde life kan.

Maybe betul cakap kawan aku, perjalanan aku masih panjang nak capai cita-cita yang aku gebang-gebang dulu, dan aku tak sampai separuh pon lagi perjalanan aku nak genggan cita-cita aku tu. Naik ke tempat paling tinggi perlahan-lahan, tapi bila turun macam F1. Nak naik balik kena lah banyak bersabar. Abah message suruh solat hajat banyak-banyak.

paperKELIP :Antara Blackberry dengan Itouch, which one worth the money?