MY DEMAND PROPOSAL

Saya nak bakal husband saya :

.Pandai melukis.

.Main gitar.

.Kidal.

.Engineer.

.Tinggi.

.Tegap.

Demand kan... okbai.

RUANG WAKTU...

Selagi aku mampu menjadi seorang yang single, aku akan cuba enjoy life aku cara aku lah, bukan cara mat saleh, kau gila ???

Cara aku :

1. Baca novel habis-habisan

2. Melancong!!! Tengok lah pas abes degree nanti 1 Indonesia aku jelajah, wajib tuh, aku backpacking je nanti.

3. Layan je hidup sebagai seorang bujang, bujang sekali je seumur hidup, kalau dah kawen ada anak, cerai orang tak panggil bujang dah, orang panggil single mother.

Bagus lah orang yang cita-cita nak kahwin awal ni kan... Kalau akulah, sorry lah encik, banyak lagi saya nak buat, saya tak pernah pulak lah masukkan planning kahwin dalam kalendae hidup saya lagi setakat nih. Many things to learn, dreams to achieve and knowledge to earn... dan petualangan yang menanti, tak sabar nak tengok dunia dengan lebih mendalam.

... BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE

Lots of people asked me, "Why you really really love indie rock band, punk rock, underground, kpop, jpop eh tehah ??" kenapa eh? Sebab aku suka lah !!!! Siap lah kau wahai bakal laki aku, nasib ler wife macam aku nih... asal buat keje je telinga aku bakal tersumbat dengan earphone pastu melayang dalam dunia sendiri.

I maybe don’t have a boyfriend, but I have 2 ipod as my boyfie... nanti sat lagi aku dapat BB, 3 boyfie aku taw, manusia yang menggunakan gadget dengan sepenuhnya macam aku ni, mana pernah bosan nak menyelongkar ye tak, ipod aku nih dah bape kali aku jb sendiri, kalau dapat ipad neh, fuhhh sedap betol.

THAT MEMORY OF PRIMARY SCHOOL

Thanks for those who make this video. It really remind me back what our generation really like kan. Now I know why my parents really missing their own childhood. I feel the same too ;)

MY FEELING OF MISSING...

Rasa yang ppang!! kena batang hidung sendiri,
Rasa orang bersalah, rasa bitter...

Rasa yang aku je tahu dan aku yakin orang lain pon tahu.

"Then after your hearts were hardened and become as stones or even worse in hardness. And indeed there are stones out which river gush forth, and indeed, there are of them (stones) which split asunder so that water flows from them, and indeed, there are of them (stones) which fall down for fear of Allah. And Allah is not unaware of what you do" ~ (al-Baqarah : 74)

Semoga Allah redha

AT LEAST I KNOW

When I was 16 or maybe 17, I read this book, Chicken Soup for Teenage Soul (I think), or Chicken Soup for  Girls Soul. Well since I was a girl at that time. I read it, page by page and I cried.

You know why I cried ?? Because the girls in that books are strong, yes they are strong. Only if they make a Chicken Soup for Palestine Soul, I think I will buy one, because they are much more stronger than other people in this world, I can’t imagine if I can be as strong as them if I’m in their place, and Syria too.

So, back to the book that I read, yes the girls, they are strong, they lost their mother, father and both at such young age. And at that moment I was thinking, how am I gonna live if my mama past away at my age (17 years old), masa tu memang dah tahu mama ada cancer ovari. I keep thinking... until she really past away when I was 18, on 14 Feb 2007. Sad, yes not just sad but LOST.

But at least I know, I am not the only who lost their mother at such young age, I know my cousin feel it too, and at that time they’re much younger than me. And I know they know how I feel.

Well, what can I say, this is genetic. And I know someday, if I not taking care of my health and body, one day my daughter will lose their mother at such young age. So girls out there, if you family have history with cancer, beware, my lecturer said "You can’t run from it because its run in your family, but you can hide from it by taking care of your health and body”

paperKELIP : Don’t joke around with cancer, and that’s why I hate smokers.

NO TITLE CAN DESCRIBE THIS FEELING

I’m MAYBE SINGLE BUT I’m NOT THAT DESPERATE

Yeah I’m single... why not ?? In fact I love being a single lady, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, after I get married, I will have my husband as my other half, and that’s is different story.

Even a single mother pon won’t be single because she is a mother. See... a mother of course will have a child or children. Single in my definition is a life before your marriage and of course you have no boyfriend lah. Orang sekarang cakap “FOREVER ALONE”. Yeah saya memang forever alone. But do I care? Do I look like I care? I’m still young, at least before I’m married I want to travel the world, especially Europe, then I want to finish my study and get my phD if I can, or a master in SURGERY. I want to be a Thraco-cardio surgeon (I will!!!). Then I want to be a volunteer in MERCY, help people with my skill (my promise to my late mama and of course to my dear friend who asked me before, what will you do to ISLAM teha when you become a doctor ??).

Can you see it?? I want to do a lot of things! In my mind right now, I don’t even think I will get married asap, not even after I finished my degree. To have a BF lagi lah FATAL, he will just break my heart and after that I cannot focus, buat hape kan.

To people out there who still think that I am such a desperate lady, and thinking that I have an affair or trying to seduce your man or your ‘ex’ please think before you thought of negative thinking. And please don’t judge a situation where you’ve never been in, because I am in a situation where I can run, if I can run I will run, and now I will run when I can, like Bourne Identity... run run baby run run, and when I’m running I’m not going to stop babeyh.

I am so sorry, I promise here in my blog and I am sure everyone will read it (well not everyone), I will not hang out with that guy anymore, even if he ask me “Are you free, I am bored, let’s go watch a movie. Or whatever”. And I will never asked him the same. No worry, if he not hang out with me pon, he will hang out with other people, because I am so FOREVER ALONE, I will just hang out with my ipod and stare at my the one and only love right now KIM JAEJOONG. When I see his name pon i will smile like a freak.

Btw girlfriends, since I can’t access my own feeling, I don’t think anyone can. So chill. Kalau ada pun, of course he is not him, he is SOMEONE else :)

SABAR... BE PATIENCE FATEHAH

“Sabar yang sebenarnya ialah sabar pada saat bermula (pertama kali) ditimpa musibah.” (Hadith Riwayat Bukhari)

Sabarlah wahai hati, sabarlah hingga akhir, pasti ada manisnya disitu. Ingatlah Fatehah, sabar itu memerlukan pengorbanan. Sabar, terik nafas panjang-panjang, senyum, tak perlu masam muka, sabar tenang, terima dengan hati terbuka.

Maybe what your father told you is the best thing to make you a beautiful mouslimah, a beautiful person, you are his responsibility even you are 23 years old now, you are his responsibility until you get married. Don’t look what he did to you as a negative think. Even your logical thinking can’t accept it, but try accept it with your heart.

And be patience Fatehah Malik, your time will come, I know you sad to see them, what they are now. All you have to do now is “BERUSAHA”.

I am ignorant and I don’t care.
I don’t care, whatever it is. I will just go with the flow.

“Go after what you want, and if it doesn't want you back then so be it. It didn't deserve you anyway”

Yeah... I walk away.

owh... anyway, Running Man can be the best cure when your heart is in GALAU state. Just my opinion.

JUST BECAUSE...

I am in a state where people can come and BITCHSLAP me without any hesitation and guilty.

All I can do is keep denying... DENY DENY DENY.

LISTEN

“When no one listen to you, sometimes all you have to do is listen to yourself. You know yourself better. you will understand it more”

Kadan-kadang kita selalu cerita dekat orang masalah kita, dan kita nak sangat orang yang kita cerita tu faham apa yang kita rasa. Hohoho. No way kid, trust me, they will listen but will not understand... they have their own things to right. So why not you tell the stories or problems to yourself.Think and try to muhasabah back. I trust myself more than other people and I trust HIM more than I trust myself. From HIM I seek guidance and help.

Because I don’t want to be disappointed when I see their reaction to my problems. I felt it once and it was not a good one.

VERSION

One of my friend pernah tanya kat aku
"Teha, tak bingit ke telinga dengar music macam ni ???", Dalam hati aku, "What music ???, This music ?? (refer to Arctic Monkeys)". Then asked her. "Why ???", she said "Yelah, serabut otak aku dengar lagu-lagu macam ni, kalau lagu-lagu yang sentimental kan senang je hati, selesa". Yes memang betol sayangku, tak dinafikan. But this is me, I’ve been listening to this music like ages and it calm me down more than anything, sometime they inspired me.

And, when I listen to this genre, I think my brain will send a signal to release adrenalin, serotonin and cortisol. Okay memang mengarut.

But it really is, when people say this is not good music to listen to, especially to a girl like me, we have to be lemah lembut, gemalai ikan duri, but my version of thinking say otherwise.
To me this kind of music is my serotonin, epinephrine, dopamine and endorphin. It calm me down, hyper me up, lullaby me and cure my feeling. It’s just my thought. It’s just me being me.
So, when people ask me, why I love to listen to this noise, my answer is, they are my ‘pseudo’neurochemicals.

paperKELIP : In whatever you feel, I will deny it.

CONSEQUENCES

Blink and you miss a beat
Keep one of your eyes open at all times
Think that you're on the brink
The shit hasn't even begun to hit the fan
Consequence you'll see will be stranger
Than a gang of drunken mimes
Situation has a stink
Better clear the air before your son becomes a man
Before your son becomes a man
Blink everything's been augmented
You’ve been left so far behind
I think for sure next time
You should wear a pair of eyes
In the back of your head
Consequence you've seen
Has been stranger than sci-fi of any kind
Situation baffles me
I guess it's true you too are one Of
The walking dead
You better think fast, think fast
Cause you never know
What’s coming around the bend
You better not blink
oh blink
The consequence is a bigger word than you think
It's bigger than you or me
You or me
You or me
You or me
You better think fast, think fast
Cause you never know
What’s coming around the bend
You better not blink or breathe
For consequence is a bigger word than you think
It’s bigger than you or me
You or me
You or me

 

My hands are trembling
And my eyes are on fire
This house is crumbling
Left brain, left out on the wire
You make me happy
You magnify my better half
You make me certain
That all I have today is your photograph
My past is perilous
And each scar I bear sings
Monuments to where I have been
And melodies to where I am going
You make me happy
You magnify my better half
You make me certain
That all I have today is your photograph
When will I see you again?
A still life can only go so far
I need you in front of me
Saying my name
Saying to me
Saying to me
Saying to me
I want you the way you are
The way you are
You make me happy
You magnify my better half
You make me certain
That all I have today is your photograph
You make me happy
You make me happy
You make me happy

MORNING IS A BLESS

Everyday, we will wake up in the morning, to do our duty as Moslem. Yes Subuh prayer. It is a bless from HIM to wake you up to solat.

Since I’m at home, my father will bring me with him to Pantai Air Tawar to jog with him. With my mama sekali lah. Normally I will just skipping like mad person, but today I jog. The best thing about jogging is when you run, and you plug in your earphone to your ears, turn on your ipod to the max, you run and run and run. Like no one there. That’s heaven. Listen to some heavy metal, rock and roll music lah kan. Not the jiwang one. Alaa you all know right I love rock and roll, punk rock and rock indie, so lagu-lagu tu jugak lah aku bawak berjogging. Bak kata abah, cubalah dengar zikir-zikir jugak. Abah itu wajib, itu sesuatu yang pasti.

Well I miss this budak so much. My mr.Q

GIVE ME STRENGTH

Ya Rabb please lend me some strength to face this obstacle with grace heart. Only you know how I feel and only you can give me this strength. I believe in you, I have faith in you.

In this situation, with this difficulties, I think I will hold myself from falling in love. If I fall then I will just ignore it. I have to be strong, I can only depend on myself. Yes Fatehah Malik, you have to do this.

THAT FEELING

Please go away... I can’t fall in love, not yet.
The time hasn’t come yet. But........

SOEKARNO HATTA-KLIA-KL CENTRAL-SHAH ALAM... IN ONE DAY

What a long subject lah teha –.-"

Well yesterday was a very tired day. I went back to MALAYSIA bebeh!! From my house in Tanjung Duren Selatan to Bandara Soekarno Hatta with Taxiku, check in, pass the custom then waited for my flight, and it delayed to 1 hour and 30 minutes from the schedule. Arghh.. waited again.

Arrived at KLIA at 1230, took ERL to KL CENTRAL with only 28 minutes. Kejap je kan. I love you lah ERL. At KL Central bought komuter ticket to Shah Alam, no seat, have to stand with my 2 legs and super weighted luggage even it’s small but it’s soooo heavy, 18 kilos, dunno what I put in it. Maybe that books kot.

I was officially arrived at my aunt house at 1830. I was soo tired at that time. Raa macam nak cabut kaki nih, campak atas katil. If ni rumah aku kat tanjung duren, dah lama aku letak beg, mandi, terus tido tak sedar diri. Hohoho, kat rumah orang kenalah menjaga kesopanan dan kesusilaan even she is my close aunt kan. Kat rumah parents aku pon tak boleh buat sendiri, Hipokrit btol lah you ni teha.

I am tired, but then I got unexpected call from someone. haha. Kalau lah aku ni bukan mahasiswa kedokteran, dah lama aku rasa jantung aku ni memang dah betol-betol tercabut, gugur jatuh dari mediastinum tu.

SAYONARA...

The hardest thing to do in this life is to say goodbye, especially to someone that you close and love.

My dear friend, we all love you and maybe this is the best for you too. Pasti ada hikmahnya untuk kamu dan juga untuk aku, dan untuk kita semua. Always keep the faith, my dear.

It’s hard to say goodbye, farewell my dear may ALLAH swt bless you and please take care. I love you and our friendship. We talked all night long last night, we “CURHAT” together and it’s hard to say that I am not going to miss you. I will miss you.

And to you my friend, happy 23rd birthday.

THIS WEEK

This week I feel like the longest week, and yet the shortest. This week was the most heartbreaking week and yet we still laugh and goffing around. This week too we shed our tears together because when you cry, I will cry too. We will cry too.

This is what we called friendship. This is by chance that we meet by choice that we became friends.

This is so sad... I hope everyone have a very very STRONG HEART

I LOVE YOU, sincerely from deep of my heart.

YOU CRY, I FEEL IT TOO...

I keep remind myself that verily after every pain/hardship there is ease/relief. Yes, this is from surah Al-Inshirah. And I believe in every words that ALLAH swt said, because HE is the ONE who can keep HIS promise to us.

So my dear friend, I know how you feel, we all know how you feel, you cry, I cry too... we all have the same emphatic.

This is what I got from Hilal Asyraf, he wrote this and it relief me a little bit, not a lil’ bit actually, it make me relief a lots and lots. Make me happy and ‘terus semangaddd’

"Aku juga punya kesusahannya, punya ujiannya, tinggal aku percaya, itu semua daripada DIA, mustahil DIA menzalimi hamba-hambaNYA. MAka sebagai balasan percaya, yang aku lakukan adalah terus berusaha”

I think I owe this guy a lot. His words keep inspiring me to be a better person. May ALLAH swt bless him and his bride to be.

So, my dear friend, I hope you will be strong as Badang, may ALLAH swt bless you, don’t worry, HE will help you too. *HUG*

UNEASY

Lately I have this some kind of stress, maybe post-traumatic stress et causa blablabla, or just stress acute et causa blablabla. You don’t need to know lah kan. I think my body can’t take this stress and whenever I stress, I will feel nausea and want to vomit. Fortunately I have this strong stomach, so whenever I feel like throwing up, I can hold it back. Throwing up is not a good thing you know. Later it can cause malnutrition. hahaha... okay no kidding teha. Yes I feel like throwing up, nausea, lots of thing to do and blablabla. I am stress.

I will back to Malaysia this 5 March 2012, but I feel like I don’t want to. Yes, aritu aku eager nak balik, tapi sekarang rasa macam tak nak balik. Balik nanti pastilah kena soal jawab dengan FBI, pastu nanti ada wedding kawan aku, dah tentu aku akan pergi, pastu nanti jumpa kawan-kawan lama nanti ntah-ntah mereka berprasangka buruk dengan aku kan. Whatever lah people, yelah saya kan pura-pura innocent whatsoever depan mereka.

I am sorry if you think I am fake in front of you, I am sorry if my action is not synchronize with your logical and critical thinking and I am sorry if you think outside the box about me. I am sorry if you that hurt because of what you think. I know sometime us girls are illogical, irrational. Are we still friend or not? Am I forgiven or not? I am a forgiving person, I will forgive you of what you think of me.

Well. at least I have this thing called Ipod nano and Itouch, all I need to do is plug the earphone into my ears and turn it on to the maximum volume. That’s why I called them my boyfriends.

HAVING...

To have friends like them is a bless from the Almighty.
To have a friend like you is a mistake. Maybe we should never know each other pon.

Friends like them, only they know what we feel right now, no other have the same feeling as us. Thanks for everything.